When the Vasurin Exploration Ship, the C’D’Varti discovered earth, they listened to transmissions for a while, decoding the languages and learning about the humans. After they felt they had enough of an understanding, they decided to proceed with the next step and talk to a few individuals before trying to contact officials. They scanned the surface on the night side and found an individual that was alone in an area that they would not be seen. They sent a shuttle down and landed in a field near the subject. They snuck up on the being and used a medical device to put it to sleep. They grabbed the individual and brought it aboard the shuttle and proceeded back to their ship.
Bob, who is 6’2” (188 cm) and around 250 lbs (113 kg), woke up in a white room sitting on a white stool at a white table. He looked around and thought “This is new”. He looked down and he was still wearing the same clothes because there was still grass stains on his slippers and pant legs. He thought “Huh, they usually change me when they bring me home.” After he sat there for a minute or so, a voice started talking that appeared to come from everywhere. “Greetings. What is your name?” it asked. Bob replied “I’m Tom.” “Tom, I am T’Chi Li. We represent the Galactic Federation, Arganor sector. We have discovered your planet and studied your people and wanted to meet a few individuals before we announced our arrival to everyone.”
“So you are aliens?” Bob inquired.
“Yes, we represent many different worlds around the galaxy.” T’Chi Li answered.
“Cool.” Bob said.
T’Chi Li asked “Do you think you represent a average human?”
“Oh, Yes. I am perfectly normal. Bob on the other hand is crazy. Don’t talk to Bob.”
“Ok… We will not talk to Bob then.” T’Chi Li said not having any idea who Bob was.
“Ok, I will make sure he does not say anything.”
“Would you be Ok with talking directly with us? Our appearance can be disturbing to some.”
“Sure. That would be great. I always wanted to know what aliens looked like.”
A door opened in the wall from out of nowhere and in walked T’Chi Li. He is a 6 foot tall insectoid creature. As soon as he enters, Bob start screaming. “Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh” as he backed into a corner and crouched down into a ball. T’Chi Li had never seen anyone react like this to his species, so he was not sure what to do. After a few more screams he decided to leave. Once he had left, Bob stopped yelling and got up and sat back down like nothing had happened. After sitting silently for a couple of minutes, Bob finally asked “Hello?”.
T’Chi Li replied, “Are you Ok? Have you calmed down?”
“I am fine.”
“When you started yelling, we were not sure what was wrong.”
“Oh, that. Anne is afraid of bugs.”
“Yes, Anne. She thinks she is the queen of England, but we all know Beth is.”
“Ok… We have another interviewer that may be a little more familiar. Is it Ok to send him in?”
“Sure. Send him in.”
The door opened and in walked Tallian Manxia, a feline like species that was about four feet tall, covered in fur, and had a big bushy tail. “Kitty!” yelled Bob as he ran over a grabbed Tallian, picking him up and hugging him hard enough to keep him from breathing. “Kitty!” yelled Bob again and he finally let up his grasp letting Tallian catch a breath. Bob started stroking Tallian fun on his head and said “Your fur is sooooo soft.”, then he spotted the tail. Bob let go of Tallian with one hand, causing him to dangle down head first. Bob grabbed his tail and rubbed it all over is face as he said “It’s so fluffy!” This unnerved Tallian as touching ones tail is a sensual thing for his species. Tallian asks “Please let me down.” After a few more seconds and it looking like Bob was not going to let go, Tallian could not take any more and pushed his way free using his feet and pulled his tail away, and walked out the door. Bob sat down on the floor and crossed his legs, put his head in his hands and pouted “Aww. I wanted to play with the kitty.” After a few minutes of pouting, he got up and sat back down in the chair.
“Tom, are you Ok?” asked T’Chi Li.
“Sorry. Beth really like cats, even though we tell her the queen is supposed to be a dog lover. She says that is lies told by corgis and the dog loving media.”
“Ok. Well we have another interviewer that is more like what your entertainment shows as representing aliens. Maybe we will be able to get a few questions answered?”
“Alright, we will try.”
The door opened and Greppa entered. She was your typical grey alien. Big head, big eyes, small body and limbs. As she entered in, she thought “So far so good, no noises or sudden movements”. She made her way to the table and sat down.
“We would just like to ask you a few questions.”
“Ok, so long as there is no anal probing. I know how your kind likes to do that.”
“Excuse me? Did you say ana..”
“Aaanaal prooobing. You know. Your kind comes down and abducts one of us and anally probes them. When they return they tell us all about it.”
“But, this is the first contact we have had with your species.”
“All I know is that people have been talking about it for years, so I reckon that at least some of them are true.”
“I can assure you we do not want to do that, I do not know why anyone would want to do that.”
“Good. That’s why I am here, to protect Bob from anal probing.”
“Ok. Tom, do you have…”
“My name is not Tom. I’m Billy Joe.”
“But you said your name was Tom.”
“I don’t know who Tom is, it’s just me and Bob.”
“Alright, let us just ask the questions. Do you have a mate?”
“Oh, so that’s what you want, you want to have sex with me. Now I am not normally into that sort of thing, but you are kinda cute.”
“No, no, no, we just want to ask you a few questions.” Greppa said trying to hide her embarrassment.
“Ok. No I do not have a mate. So we can do it without worrying about anyone getting mad. Would we do it here or would we go into another room?”
Greppa just sat there trying to keep her composure, she is a professional after all. “What is your profession?”
“Well, Bob worked at a computer help desk until the guys in white took him to the new place. Now he mostly watches TV. You know if we did have sex, it would be me doing the probing, right. There would still be no probing of Bob. Yeah, we would be turning the tables on the alien probing… probing aliens. Sounds like a porno.”
That was it. That was all she could take. This was supposed to be serious work. She got up and stormed out. When the news of another interviewer leaving got to the captain, he was furious. He told T’Chi Li that he would enter himself and try to talk to the human. Captain Nathergon, a Hernogian, think centaur but with a horse head too, entered into the room through a door on the same side as Bob. As soon as he entered and before he could react, Bob is up and jumping onto his back. “Giddy up, Horsey!” Bob repeatedly yells as he grabs his mane and kicks him. The captain is doing everything he can to reach Bob and try to get him off including starting to buck. T’Chi Li had to mute the mike so he could laugh at the sight of his captain being ridden by a human. Finally he manager to grab Bob and throw him off. He stormed out yelling to T’Chi Li to get this human off of his ship. T’Chi Li pressed a button that filled the room with a gas that put Bob to sleep.
Bob came to standing in the middle of the road right where he was when they picked him up. He stood there for a few seconds before a white van drove up behind him and stopped. Three large men in white got out and walked up to Bob and one of them said “Hey Bob. There you are. We have been looking all over for you. You know that you cannot go off by yourself. You are going to get us in trouble and we won’t be able to let you out at all.”
“I’m sorry.” said Bob. “I do not want to get you in trouble.”
“Where you been?” asked another, “We have been through here several times.”
“I think I was abducted by aliens.” said Bob.
“Oh really, what happened?” asked the third orderly.
“Well, I saw a big scary bug, and I got to pet a large kitty. I got a new friend, Billy Joe, he says he is protecting me from anal probing, whatever that is. Oh, and I also got to ride a horse, but he didn’t like it.”
“Oh, well that sounds like you had a good time. What did they say to you.”
“Tom wouldn’t let me talk to them. He always never lets me talk when it is fun.”
“We will get you back and get you changed and you can eat, then you can tell your story to everyone else.”
“That sounds nice.” said Bob as he stared out the window toward the sky.
After hiding behind the moon for an entire shift rotation, the captain was ready to submit his report and head back to the Galactic Federation headquarters.
“We have completed phase one of the contact protocol with earth and started phase two. We were only able to interview one individual. Each interviewer was unable to complete the interview due to reactions by the human individual. Two of them have requested career changes due to the traumatization of their interaction with the human. I tried to do the interview myself, but was unable to due to the humans reaction as you will see in the video. I recommend all future interviewers to view the video before trying to communicate with the humans. It may be decided to conduct all interviews verbally as human reactions to different species is unpredictable.”
Addendum to previous report:
“After being unable to sleep the last few nights, I am requesting a transfer to one of the ships on the front line of the war with the Amarith. I hope the horrors of war will drown out the voice that is repeating over and over in the back of my mind.”
~~Giddy up horsey.~~